Yugen Conversations

Boundaries: The Guardian of Wellbeing

Boundaries are an essential skill for our personal health, relational health, and development.

Why is boundary setting so hard? 

Boundaries can be and often are challenging both to initiate and to receive from others.

A few reasons why:

* Trauma
* Family Dynamics
* Culture 
* Attachment Style 

To keep in mind while Setting Boundaries....

Consistency
When setting boundaries, you MUST be consistent. Inconsistency in maintaining boundaries can create confusion and lead to boundaries being crossed more frequently.
Respect
Boundary setting is an act of self respect. So please be respectful when setting boundaries to others! It is less likely someone will want to respect your boundaries if you don't, and if you don't respect them. Use your please and thank you's! 
Empathy can be a knife
Boundary setting can be uncomfortable, and that is ok! Boundaries are in service of who you and the other person will be in 1-5 years, not just who you are right now! It is ok if it is temporary uncomfortable in service of a greater outcome. 
Compassion
Healthy boundaries are compassionate. It can help to let the other person know you are setting a boundary in service of the relationship. You wouldn't bother setting it if you didn't care! Another way of expressing compassion is giving the other person positive regard during the boundary conversation. 
Dangers of Coddling
When we do not set boundaries with others, we are in danger of Coddling them. Coddling tells the other person, that we don't think they are capable of being an adult and handling their problems. Don't steal other peoples problems from them! Allow others to have the gift of these conversations.
Embrace the hate
It is ok if the person on the other side of the boundary has a negative reaction. These reactions are expected and normal, especially if the other person has experienced trauma. Understand that this is a vulnerable process and that impact is expected.

Resources on this topic